Breaking the Attack-Defense Cycle
Many times couples come to my office with a defeated attitude. They no longer know what else to do or how to improve their connection. Interestingly, they don't usually argue about dramatic issues: not money, infidelity, or even parenting. Sometimes, the straw that breaks the camel's back is something as simple as dirty dishes in the kitchen.
But when they sit across from me, the fight no longer has anything to do with the dishes. One of them feels unappreciated; the other, ignored. And the more they talk, the more they get caught in what we call the attack-defense cycle. One criticizes, the other defends, and both end up hurt and more distant than before.
Couples rarely argue over something as simple as dishes. In reality, they fight over the way they argue and over longings and fears underlying what is apparent. In therapy, my job is to show them that, no matter what, an argument always involves a choice. Underneath the apparent fight, there is always something deeper to discover and work on.
Why discussions begin
When people lash out at their partners, it is rarely because they mean to cause harm. More often, it is because the pain is already present, hidden beneath the surface.
In one session, a man proudly told me that he had begun to confront his partner by saying, "You can't talk to me like that." He saw this as progress: finally setting boundaries, finally protecting himself. He saw this as progress: finally setting boundaries, finally protecting himself.
But when her partner heard those words, she didn't feel safe. She felt accused, labeled and betrayed. What he interpreted as strength, she perceived as rejection. And instead of solving the problem, it triggered one of the most intense fights they had ever had.
That's the trap of the attack-defense cycle: both try to survive the moment, but that "survival" often translates into hitting harder or putting up a higher wall.
The role of trust
Behind almost every intense argument I have witnessed lies the same fragile truth: a lack of trust and emotional security in the relationship.
When trust is shaken, vulnerability seems impossible. Instead of saying "I'm afraid you don't care," we say "You're too lazy." Instead of asking "Can you calm me down a little?", we shout "You never listen."
It is easier to accuse than to risk rejection. But attacks breed defense, and defense makes the relationship feel even less secure. And so on and on, in a vicious cycle.
What happens when we respond differently?
This is where things change. Let's imagine the same sentence, "You never help at home." Instead of responding aggressively, the other person takes a deep breath and says, "You're right, I haven't done much lately."
It's not a defeat, it's a recognition. And in that small instant, the energy changes. The fire loses oxygen. The couple can start talking about the real problem instead of reproaching each other.
I have seen the relief on people's faces when they finally feel heard, even if their partner's words are not perfect. Most of us are not looking for a flawless apology, but the assurance that the person we love understands us.
Moving from attacks to curiosity
For those who tend to come in aggressively, I encourage you to stop for a moment and remember: this person cares about me.
Instead of attacking, try curiosity:
"I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately, how do you see it?".
It may not sound as liberating as venting frustration, but curiosity opens up space for dialogue. It's an invitation rather than a blow. And in relationships, invitations go much further than attacks.
Listening to understand, rather than listening to win, is a profound change that can help you feel more connected to your partner.
The good news
The great thing about breaking the attack-defense cycle is that it doesn't take two perfect people. All it takes is for one to decide to act differently: to soften an attack, to resist responding defensively, or to choose curiosity over criticism.
Over time, those small changes build trust. And trust is what allows couples to argue without destroying each other in the process.
Final thoughts
When couples tell me they feel stuck, always arguing about the same thing, I remind them that it's not about the dishes, or the housework, or even the words said in a fit of anger. It's about the pattern underneath.
If you can change the way you argue, you can completely transform the dynamics of your relationship. And if you feel that breaking that cycle alone is impossible, there's no shame in asking for help. That's what therapy is for: to turn arguments into conversations and conversations into connection.
Because, in the end, it is not a matter of discussing less, but of discussing in a different way: in a way that brings closer, instead of distancing.
