Emotionally Focused Therapy
Over the years, I have worked with many couples who feel stuck in the same arguments, the same misunderstandings, over and over again. What I have found is that real change often comes not from learning a new communication technique, but from reconnecting with emotions in a safe and honest way. That's why I use Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) in my practice.
TFE, developed by Susan Johnson and Les Greenberg, is based on a simple but powerful idea: our emotions are at the heart of how we relate to one another. When couples can access those feelings and express them authentically, the dynamics of the relationship can be completely transformed.
A therapy that feels real
One thing I've always appreciated about KFT is that it doesn't feel forced or contrived. Some approaches to couples therapy call for following scripts or marking communication steps, which can be uncomfortable or even frustrating. But relationships are not exercises: it's about real human connection.
TFE focuses on helping couples relate to each other by being themselves. It's not about finding the perfect words, but about connecting with what you really feel and daring to share it. That authenticity is what opens the door to understanding and closeness.
Feeling confident to be yourself
A common challenge in relationships is that, over time, couples stop feeling safe to show their deepest emotions. Pain, disappointment or fear of rejection can lead us to hide behind walls, leaving only anger or defensiveness to surface.
TFE helps couples gently lower those walls. The process guides each person to explore what is really going on beneath the surface - loneliness, anxiety, longing - and to communicate those feelings in a safe and supportive way. It's about creating a space where both feel free to be themselves without fear of judgment.
A change in the way we connect
When couples begin to express these deeper emotions, the relationship is often transformed. For example, instead of saying:
- "You never pay attention to me."
you can share:
- "I have felt lonely and wish for more closeness."
This small change changes the way your partner listens to you: he or she is more likely to respond with care and tenderness rather than defensiveness.
Through TFE, couples learn to speak from their genuine feelings, which encourages both partners to respond in kind. It is a powerful way to turn repetitive discussions into opportunities for connection.
Opening a new chapter
As couples become more comfortable being honest with their emotions, interactions become more supportive and loving. Anger and defensiveness give way to vulnerability and empathy. Couples begin to address the real issues underlying everyday conflicts and, as a result, feel closer together.
Even small disagreements - like leaving dirty dishes or forgetting something important - can become moments to better understand each other rather than fights to "win." Differences become easier to handle when you both feel safe, valued and truly seen.
TFE is not about following a formula or getting it perfect. It's about cultivating emotional safety, understanding and authentic connection. When couples take this approach, the relationship not only survives, it flourishes.
If you want to learn more about how to use emotions to strengthen your relationship, Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight is a great place to start.
